Here is the news
Here is the morning news and this is
somebody-who’s-been-on-reality-TV
reading it.
Today the Government will announce
a major new policy.
The deliberate leaks say it will contain
some exciting soundbites.
The important stuff will, of course, be lost
in the hundred pages that
we haven’t mentioned.
And tomorrow, we’ll have judged
that you’ll have lost
interest. So we won’t
tell you about it anyway.
Here is the lunchtime news and this is
somebody-who’s-famous-enough-to-be-imitated-by-an-impressionist
reading it.
A blonde, beautiful child is in a
heartbreaking situation.
Similar tragedies happen every day to
ugly children, black children and
adults with BO and nasal hair,
but we know this one will
tug the old strings. Anyway,
it’s cheaper than sending film crews to record
ignored wars and
another million refugees.
Here is the evening news and this is
someone-who-can-set-their-clothes-against-tax
reading it.
A ‘celebrity’ has got into
a really huge mess this time.
We have spent months engaging you emotionally (suckers!)
And this fool is off the rails
due to the attention.
Shame it squeezed out
the latest Middle Eastern carnage.
Here is the late night news and this is
somebody-who-used-to-be-a-proper-newshound
reading it.
The Royals are throwing
a concert. Nice one!
Music and monarchy. So
not much chance of
proper news tonight.
But then, that suits your
shrinking attention spans.
We’ll run a story on you tomorrow,
blaming poor parenting and rotten schools.
And now, here’s a busty but brainy blonde
with the weather
and a jokey bloke
supplying sport.
Or vice versa.
It no longer matters.